Fruit Rull-Up Man

I met an interesting man last week...

While I was walking to my choir's church to sing to 30 elderly people (8 of whom actually showed up...) an extremely tall, rather portly, man approached me. At first I thought he needed help, but then he stuck out his hand to shake mine. It incredibly sweaty and obviously he wanted something based on how tightly he grasped my hand. I then noticed the myriad of fruit roll-ups overflowing from his coat pocket.

"Do you wanna buy some fruit roll-ups to sponsor a children's basketball team"

I did not, in fact, want to purchase any fruit roll-ups, especially from this man. And rather than saying "No" upfront and walking away, I instead let out a painful groan, similar to the sound one would expect a sick man to make, or Tina from Bob's Burgers. I also was not buying the whole "children's basketball team" thing either, as I was practically mugged by a woman in 8th grade who "needed to get home to Long Island".

I think the man sensed my weakness of character and decided to go into full-out attack mode:


"Come on dude, it's for the kids." (clearly trying to make me feel bad for not buying anything, and growing increasingly frustrated with me, demonstrated through his vigorously pulsating red eyes)

"No I'm sorry I have to go" (the words most likely did not come out that clearly, as I am a jumbled mess under pressure. I then proceeded to walk in the direction of the church)

"It's ok I'll follow you" (weird much?)

I let out another sickly groan and managed to spit out "No" while violently thrashing my head. Clearly sensing that I wasn't going to waver nor communicate clearly, the man proclaimed "Stop acting like a fucking retard" and left.

I think the man needs to realize that people will be more likely to purchase his fruit roll-ups (or whatever else he may sell) if they didn't feel like they were going to be murdered.

At least I got 33 likes on my Facebook status.